When choosing what's for dinner feels like too much and other thoughts

     It's been one week since my ordeal at the bus station. I'm doing well, or so I think, but I've had a peculiar way of handling things this past week. To give you one example, I don't want to think about what's for dinner. It's just dinner, I tell myself, but I don't care for it. I don't want to be involved in it. It feels like such a monumental task. DINNER, it is haunting me! And I'm saying it dramatically because the feeling feels dramatic. Every day, I get home from work, my son is waiting so we can start cooking dinner and I don't want to. I want food but I don't want to think about making it, I don't want to decide what to eat, I don't want to be involved in the process, I don't even want to decide what to buy for dinner if we don't cook at home. I cook what my son asks but I can't bring myself to decide what to eat for myself. To give you some perspective, this is uncommon of me. My son (who is a teenager) and I plan our weekly meals and tend to stick with them. We did just this the past Saturday we went to the supermarket. If we decide to eat out once a week I know what I want. My son feels it's odd I don't want to think about dinner. I have a hunch as to why this is happening and I'm typing this down because maybe you are experiencing something similar. 

    I'm exhausted. As a single mother taking care of my teenage son and supporting my mom, who is ill and in her late 60's (please don't mention to her I gave away her age), I am exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and mentally I'm at burnout. I know this but don't know what to do about it. I delegate a few house tasks to my son and he helps with cooking. I have a few hours available at home and these past few weeks have been terribly unproductive. Being unproductive gives me a wave of guilt and it's a continued cycle of exhaustion, guilt, and trying too hard when all I need is rest. I know this and there have been many hints along the way telling me I need help.  

    I recently went to put gas on a truck I was borrowing from work, the person that was with me got off to put gas. The relief I felt at not having to do that task was exhilarating. What in the world was that? I asked myself. If you ever watched Gilmore Girls there is a scene that I identified with so much. Lorelai starts a hotel business with her partner Sookie. Lorelai is running up and down doing everything for the business to start, her partner says she will be available so she can sign for a sink that was to be delivered. Unfortunately, Sookie isn't there and Lorelai is understandably upset about it. She feels overwhelmed and knows she needs help so she goes to ask her friend Luke for help, in that scene, Lorelai and Luke are sitting on a bench and she starts crying, saying she loves her life and her TV but she wishes someone was there to sign for the sink. I saw that scene for the first time a few years ago and I cried. I see that scene now and it still gets me, every single time, it gets me. I love my life, my son, my time but sometimes I simply want someone to be there to sign for the sink. 

    All these feelings make it something difficult for me to come to terms with because I'm used to doing things myself. I've been single for a long time and should be used to this but that doesn't mean it's okay. What is okay, however, is to feel overwhelmed. I am only human and things can be too much. It's okay to feel lost here and there and it's okay to feel down. What I do know is that no matter what I feel this moment, things will get better. As long as I keep trying and having faith things will be better. This propels me to look beyond what I feel at this moment. 

     On a last note, as a believer, I always see God through out my life. I see He lifts me up and helps through the hard times. I go to him when I can't walk on my own anymore. Which is easier said than done because I can be very prideful. If you are a believer, stand strong in your faith and know God is with you through it all. Faith is the seed that makes hope blossom again. Today I might not want to choose what to eat for dinner, I might feel tired and at my limit, but tomorrow things might look a lot better, and who knows maybe one day soon someone will be there with me to sign for the darn sink. 


A few things to remember:

  • It's okay to feel sad, we are only humans! Just remember not to stay there
  • It's okay to ask for help
  • Never lose hope
  • Things will get better
  • Believe in yourself! if you are feeling overwhelmed, try to take even a few minutes to meditate, to journal, to take a nap, anything that might help your state of mind. Believe in yourself and the power you have to change your life. 

xoxo
Rosie

    

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